and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
