hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
