Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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