Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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