1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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