I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
