It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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