just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
