She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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