just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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