just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
