those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
