I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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