i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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