There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
