why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
