U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
