That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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