There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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