He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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