her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
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At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
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I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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