Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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