Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
