We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
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After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
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Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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