I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
