i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
