I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Randomize
