got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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