in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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