i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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