I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
