At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
