I could make wine with my vomit
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
