Fine. I'll sleep in my office
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
