she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
