Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
