He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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