First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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