My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
