Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
