I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
