Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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