You really coming over, don't trick.
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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