at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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