even my farts smell like vagina
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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