New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
