Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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