Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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