That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
