Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
