Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
there is puke in my bra ... again
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