It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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