You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I touched a dick in church today
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
