Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
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just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
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Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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