I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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