someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
