My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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