god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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