You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
