Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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