Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
