i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
