I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
