Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Drunk is a universal language darling
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
