Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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