I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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