I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
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the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
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Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me