the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.