I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.