You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
